If you are struggling even a little with your partner, don’t hesitate to start couple counselling

I work with couples to assist in identifying and resolving unhelpful behaviours and unnecessary conflict.

I take a thorough, whole-of-person approach that assumes that the deeper causes of unhelpful behaviours and unnecessary conflict come from reactions and patterns we learned from our own family environment as we grew up. It is not always obvious to clients what these patterns are or where they come from.

For this reason I strongly prefer to have at least one individual session with each person before beginning working together with you both as a couple. Alternatively, I am happy to have one session all together, then have a number of solo sessions, before coming back together.

Couples sometimes assume there is just a need to learn better communication skills, but if that were the case there are many tools and tips for this online.

By staging it this way - solo sessions followed by couple sessions - you will make the best use of your time, emotional energy and money.

Couples sessions are for 60 minutes (rather than the 50 minutes for individuals), but there is also an option for longer 90 minute sessions, which are especially useful to kick-start a deeper understanding of one-another, or to allow time for processes that are more intensive.

I suggest that you get going with couples counselling as soon as you realise there’s a pattern of behaviour that doesn’t feel right. The longer you wait the more pain and confusion can erode trust, respect and care.

The biggest mistake I see couples make with counselling support is leaving it too late. Personality and behavioural differences are inevitable and often part of the initial attraction. However if these differences mean persistent conflict or a lack of effective communication - and especially if one of you is feeling a distancing developing - it means you need support to work out where the problems really lie. Why wait for resentment to begin!

The couples counselling process can be revelatory and enjoyable, but it doesn’t happen quickly. Each becoming more vulnerable and attuned to one another happens more easily before anyone experiences too much pain. And even if the process leads to the relationship ending, it’s a step forward, away from unnecessary conflict and suffering.